Life Is More Than the Choices We Make

I found myself talking to a soon to be mom the other day. She is struggling with what to do about allowing her abusive ex's family to have a relationship with her child. After reading my past post she said it had given her a lot to think about, but brought up another very good question: How do you go about handling a situation where the father just doesn't want to be there? 

I don't speak much on the situation with my eldest daughter. The older she gets the more frustrating dredging up the past becomes. Don't get me wrong, the day she brings it up on her own I will be open and honest with her. At six years old though each conversation with other people make me worry that her conversation will happen way before it's time. 

So this conversation with this soon to be mom, even through messaging, made my heart race. It made me realize that there is something here worth writing about. This is my truth and yet another lesson to pass on to my children. 

We make choices everyday. Some large, some small. The small ones I've found are usually overlooked and disregarded. They become more a part of a daily routine than something seen as deliberate decisions that are mapping out our future.

Naturally bad choices tend to stick with us longer and leave a larger impact on our view of life. Personally I've made my fair share of bad decisions. While some are pretty huge, most of the time they weren't nearly as disastrous as I initially thought they were. In fact, they've usually always led me towards something better.

One could say that I wasn't making the best decisions around the time I became pregnant with my daughter. I was in a pretty rough arrangement with my son's father and wasted no time seeking out comfort from an old friend when our relationship went on hiatus.

After being with the same person for six years of my life, I was vulnerable and probably a teensy bit impulsive. However, this one decision led to something that changed my life forever: My daughter.

When I mention bad choices I would never associate negativity with the decision to spend the night with this friend. While it may not of have been the best decision for a lot of other reasons, it was never a bad choice for me. I was young and learning about life. Just as I still am.

The situation wasn't ideal. From the beginning my friend wasn't thrilled about me being pregnant. He reacted with a rush of this can't be happening and you can't have it. I'm sure it turned his world upside down. 

I was persistent though and since this would be his first child, fully believed he'd come around. For that reason I always left the door open. I wasn't naive. I wasn't fantasizing the notion we would start a relationship and have a family. I was realistic in the sense that two people don't have to be together to be parents. He just didn't share the same vision.

However, my choice put my life in a whole new light. I had a recently ended relationship with a man I had been with forever. We had a beautiful three year old son and I was scared. My bad choice was allowing him to believe there was a possibility this new baby was his. I just didn't know how to look at the person I had spent six long years with and admit what I did.

I told myself I'd tell him. I'd be honest. I just needed the right moment. We were moving into a new house and trying to work on our relationship so in the beginning it just wasn't it for me.

He found out in March 2008. Two months after I got the positive. He confronted me, I panicked and just lowered my head and told him. Yes it was true.

My bad choice led the only man I'd ever loved at the time, out of my life. At first it was scary and I was angry with myself for getting swept away in the heat of the moment. I was ashamed of my choice and terrified of what was to come.

But, my bad choice also led my life towards discovering a version of myself I never knew existed. I learned how to stand on my own two feet. I learned that I deserved more despite what others thought. I learned that everything happens for a reason. 

This new awareness led me to the best man I've ever known. It took nearly a year for him to find me, but who knows how life would've turned out if I wouldn't have made the choices I made. If I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do the growing that I did. 

If I would've been honest from the beginning my ex and I may have made the decision to take it day by day. We may have drug on a volatile relationship for another five years for all we know. By being selfish (because I recognize I was) I hurt him in such a way that he had no choice but to walk away from me. I respected his decision then and I do to this day.

I made the choice to try to involve her real dad and his family from the moment I discovered I was pregnant. And for a good while it was like being on a roller coaster ride. One minute everything looked hopeful, the next he was hateful and distant. I battled this until she was eighteen months old at which point I accepted that her father and her only father would be my (now) husband.

Alex showed up in her life when she was five months old and even before we were officially in a relationship he wanted to be there for her. He respected my decision to try to make her real dad a part of the picture even if he didn't like it. My only hope was that she knew where she came from. It took a while for me to realize that, that didn't matter.

She is nearly seven years old now and the most tender hearted kid you'd ever meet. Her real dad took some time growing up and reached out a couple of years ago. He now keeps a respectful distance as a Facebook friend. We have an agreement to one day allow them to casually meet. Our hope is that one day, should Lydia ever ask me questions; should she ever have the desire to seek him out; he won't be a stranger to her.

Most find it shocking that after everything we've been through that I would be so allowing of him seeing her. The only way I can explain it is to say that it isn't about how I feel. It's about how my daughter may feel someday. I am no psychic, but I recognize the possibility of turning him away and the very real feelings of anger that could cause in my daughter. She will never look at me and know I kept anyone out of her life that truly wanted to love her.

It took a long time to get adjusted to the number of parents there were in my kids lives. It wasn't an easy path and I still find myself questioning choices that I make. However, that will never stop me from believing that I'm giving my kids their best chance.

God has blessed me with three men who share the same vision for my kids as I do. Even if it took some time to get us all on the same page. And even if I didn't always see it or appreciate it. There was a purpose for our paths crossing and I am reminded of that purpose daily.

My family situation may seem backwards to some. It may even seem like a nightmare to others, but I honestly don't care. My choices have given me experiences in areas that have made me a stronger woman. These choices, good or bad, have shown me what is worth fighting for and shown me how far I'm willing to go for the people I love the most. More importantly, my choices have made me a better mother to my children.

I've found that our choices don't determine the kind of person we are. Our reactions to the consequences of these choices do. You can either spend your life sulking about the messes that sometimes come with your decisions; or you can accept it and start planning out what to do to get yourself back on track. You can live in denial or create a new path. You can avoid responsibility for your decisions or own up to your mistakes and start making amends.

Life is what you make it. Don't spend it in regret and avoidance. Unless of course you enjoy being stressed out and unhappy. Make the choice to learn from your mistakes and to grow from the decisions that at first seem like a bad idea. You never know the good that can come from them until you give them the time and respect they deserve to develop.

Sometimes the Right Path Isn't Always the Easiest

Okay mommies. There are some things I need to get off of my chest.  Some things that have been bothering and building up in me for a long time. I hope you have the time to listen and the open-mindedness to take my words to heart. If not for yourselves, for your children.

We all want to do right by our kids. Keep them safe, give them a good future, great memories. We marvel at their beauty, enamored by everything that they are. So naturally everything we do starts with what in our minds, is what's best for them.

But I pose this question, how can keeping a piece of your child away from them, be what's best?

Now I realize that there are always certain situations where this is the best thing for your child. But, I refuse to believe it is in as many situations as I've seen.

What piece am I referring to, you ask? Your child's father.
And in many cases any family attached to that father.

Listen mamas. At the end of the day you are responsible for your child's well being. Physically and mentally. It's so easy to think of the here and now. Hell my 2015 resolution is based around living in the moment this year. However, when it comes to my kids, I juggle absorbing every moment I possibly can and trying to imagine how my decisions are going to impact their future selves simultaneously. It's a juggling act that never ends because as I mentioned above, everything I do is done with what is best for my children in mind. 

Now, let's not misconstrue things. I am by no means a perfect parent. I have made my fair share of mistakes in my ten years as a mom. Because as I just stated parenthood is full of juggling acts beginning with learning how to juggle.  Naturally somewhere along this journey I'm bound to drop the ball. It's about the fact that I keep picking it back up and trying again.

Now let's get back to cutting out a parent from your kid's life.

When we get down to it every person who does this feels like they have a justifiable reason. And apart from abuse whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or substance; or fear for neglect or  kidnapping. There is absolutely no reason to keep your child from their parent. So get down off of your high horse and let's talk awhile.

I want you to picture a few different scenarios with me because no matter what you think each is a very plausible outcome to the situation you've created in your son or daughter's life.

Scenario numero uno:

Let's take a trip fifteen years into the future. You've successfully alienated your kid(s) from your ex and your sitting across from your son or daughter talking. What would the conversation sound like when they look at you and say why mom? Why wasn't he there? Why couldn't I see him?

You can really go two routes with this, you can tell the truth or you can lie. And to be clear, in my opinion omissions are lies. I can't stress the importance of which route you choose. A determined child will find the answers they are looking for. And sometimes, those answers find them first.
I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to see the day where I look into my child's eyes to find pain inflicted by me. Even if it wasn't always the easiest route I always put my child's feelings before mine. Do I get along with my ex? No. I don't. He was abusive, unappreciative, and brought out a horrible person in me. We didn't compliment each other or make each other want to be better people. We wanted to be right; to one up one another; and put each other down. But, that was between me and him. Not him and our son.
No one is claiming my son's father is in the running to win father of the year, but he loves Damian. I'm not blind to that. I see it in the way he looks at him. I hear it in his voice when he talks to him. He loves his son the way a father should love his son. More importantly he loves his son the way my son needs to be loved. The way that will help him grow into the best possible version of himself. The compassionate, fun-spirited, responsible father I hope to see him become one day.

The easy route would have been to cut him out of his life when I cut him out of mine. But sometimes the right path is not always the easiest one.
The damage that would do to my son would be something I could never erase. One day, he would come to me and ask me why? No answer could be good enough.

We fought constantly Damian. He treated me terribly. We deserved better.

Ok mom, but how did he treat me?

Boom.

Do I lie? No. I can't lie to my child. Shame on anyone who can. You could argue that we make little lies all the time to our kids, but I'm speaking on real lies. Lies that affect their lives in a profound way. Not these fibs we tell our kids about holiday figures, that we didn't eat the last cookie, and about how the Hulk gets big and strong from eating all of his vegetables (his favorite is broccoli why do you think he turns green?)

Lies are poison. The more you tell the faster you kill the most important relationship in your life. The one between a parent and a child. And for the record that would then mean you are responsible for killing two. As a parent, how can your feelings towards your ex be enough to justify erasing that half of them? If your ex truly is as terrible as you make them out to be the best way to kick them out of your kid's life is to let them do it on their own. Whether that be they slowly fade away from not calling or visiting or as your child gets older they see for themselves what type of person they are and make the decision for themselves. Just because you have the right to make the decisions on behalf of your children now doesn't mean that you should. Especially in situations like this.

Scenario numero dos:

It's been six months since you've let your ex have a visit or a phone call from your daughter and all of a sudden there's a knock on the door. Peering through the curtain by the door you see a sheriff. You've been served court papers. Your ex is fighting for custody.

Say what you will about being your daughter's mother. Judges no longer favor the mothers in custody battles as they use to. Depending on how good of a lawyer your ex has without showing a justifiable reason to have kept your daughter from him all this time, you're in real trouble here of losing primary custody. All he needs to establish is that he is willing to work with you, but you refuse. The proof is the call logs, the witness testimony, the recorded conversation the last time you spoke. The attempts that he's made that you have shot down every time.

What do you do? Every reason you told yourself you were doing this for now sounds silly and petty as you sit on the stand and speak to the court. Your heart racing as realization kicks in that there may be a very good possibility you are going to lose your daughter.

For the sassy moms out there ready with their rebuttals for this situation ... My ex can't afford a lawyer, he wouldn't take me to court, he could never prove himself to be a more fit parent than I am..... Refer to scenario numero uno.

Scenario numero tres:

It's been two years since your daughter has seen her biological father. You've been dating so she has a "daddy" and to you life is going perfect. You've done exactly what you wanted. Pushed out the person who you couldn't make it work with and found what in your mind is the better fit for your little girl's daddy. She's small enough that she doesn't even remember him. She doesn't know she has siblings. She doesn't know her grandparents, her uncles, her cousins. Life is great. For you.
You see that number flash on your phone. You briefly wonder why he still bothers? You have ignored his calls repeatedly for the last several months. How did he even get your new number? You remember the knock on your door last month. Seeing his mother standing on the other side. Thank goodness your fiancee was here to answer and tell her to leave. You go on about your day. Making preparations for a date you and your guy are going on tonight. Thanking God for giving you such a wonderful mother who's always excited to spend the day with her granddaughter.

Fast forward a few hours. Your ex's phone rings. He answers and his wife watches him drop to his knees. It's a moment he never expected to be faced with.

You see, after you dropped that lovely little girl off. You and the man that she calls daddy were in a car accident. You didn't make it.

Where does that leave your daughter? Well, to her in the arms of strangers. Family she doesn't know because you didn't let her. Not for anymore reason than it didn't fit your idea of what your family should look like.

She's scared and confused. At four she doesn't quite understand why this man is saying he's her real daddy. He decides maybe a sort of fairy tale explanation may be what's better for her.

A big one eyed monster came and stole him away. Daddy's been fighting his was back to you ever since. This monster sprinkled sparkly dust all over mommy and made her forget daddy, that's why she never told you about him.

Leaving out that the monster was the man your little girl thought was her daddy. Not mentioning that you knew full well that her real dad was trying so hard to see her. Not telling her about all the gifts for birthdays and Christmas that she believed came from aunts and uncles far away, were really packages of love from her sisters and brothers and daddy and her step mommy.

They spend the next several months calming night terrors and working through separation anxiety when she's left with a sitter. Did I mention that the reason it was so easy to keep your ex at bay is because he lived hundreds of miles away? That's right. Your daughter has been taken from everything she knows. She's broken inside and cries for you and her grandma. She hides from strangers, makes her self sick from anxiety attacks, her stomach's in knots. She asks every time they leave her if they're coming back.

Her trust has been shattered. She doesn't know what to believe. Her innocence and naivety has all but disappeared. As if overnight that sweet little four year old has the soul of someone five times her age. She's keenly aware of so much more.
Every day her new mommy and daddy work with her. They tell her stories about before the monster came, about when her real mommy and new mommy were friends. About when her new daddy and real mommy were in love and had her. They smooth over the details that show the side of you that your daughter doesn't need to know. Because it no longer makes a difference. Because they aren't like you. Because they know despite the fact you couldn't get past the things you didn't like about them, they can see the beautiful pieces of you that were put into this incredible child. Half of her is you, half of her is him, and all of her is amazing. If they were to deny that there was good within you and hate you for it  than they would have to hate half of your daughter. And that is impossible for them to do.

She eventually adjusts to her new life, but she'll never be the same.

These scenarios however unbelievable they may be to you, do happen. I have lived two of the three and more. My writing this is simply for the hope of helping you from unknowingly damaging the people in your life that you are so vehemently trying to protect. Your actions have a profound affect on everyone involved even if you don't see it at first. No one said joint parenting is easy, there are decisions you will have to make that will test your sanity and your strength. But, these decisions are for your child, not you. Your feelings are irrelevant.

If you should ever be faced with one of these situations I pray you make it through with as little damage as possible to you and your child's relationship. And if your family should ever be faced with a situation like scenario number three I pray that your ex handles the situation like my husband did. Because if he doesn't, then it's not only the child that suffers but your family as well; when he refuses to let any of them see your child because of what you've done to him and his family. 

In closing mommies of the world, a child needs to know where they came from. Whether you like it or not, your beautiful bundle of joy is made from pieces of you and pieces of your ex. Don't block out something you can't change. Your child deserves more. Give them the perfect example of being the bigger person. I promise you won't regret it.

R.I.P. Christin Marie Deaton 10/17/1988 - 01/22/2014