Let Go and Let God

This evening has been an emotional one.
We drove to Des Moines and were on the return trip when out of no where I hear from the back seat,  "Hey mommy. I have another sister, Aubrie. Remember her?"

Instant heartache.

"Yes baby, I remember Aubrie."

Then there was silence.

Alex turned up the radio, and I spent the remainder of the trip staring out the window at the stars, thinking about our Sunshine and praying.

I've spent so many months being angry. Cursing Christin and Rayne's name and wishing this was over.
Now, when I close my eyes I repeat in my head "let go & let God."  God sees all and I know in my heart he will reunite us soon. He will give my children their sister back.
I just have to keep faith. 

So please excuse me, dear audience, while I write this note that I wish our sweet Aubrie could read.

 

 

Hello Sunshine!
   We think of you often. Daily in fact. I wish I could put into words exactly how much we miss you, but it's really incomprehensible.  The best way to describe it, if I were to even try, would be to say that everything we see, every conversation we have reminds us of you. "You are My Sunshine" replays so often in my head that it's almost as if it were my own personal theme song. If that even makes sense.
    All I know is the thought of your little face brings tears to me eyes and a tightening in my chest. I can't believe it's been thirteen months. I'm sure you've changed so much.
    I hope that you are happy sweet girl and can't wait to see you again. Your sister is getting so big and looks so much like you. Her personality is a lot like yours as well, so I'm beginning to realize just how much of your papi is in you girls. Lydia is doing well and talks about you often. She misses you the most I think. And your big brother misses you too.  He has faith that you will remember all of us when we finally get to pick you up.

   We all send you all of our love dear Aubrie.
    See you soon ♥

Meggy

~~~~~~

Dear Lord,
Please watch over our Sunshine. Please keep her mom safe and help erase the animosity she feels towards us from her heart.
Most importantly Lord please help me to forgive her and Rayne for the hurt they've caused our family.
I know you have a plan for all of us.
Amen

Missing Our Sunshine

Disclaimer 01/26/2015:

Before anyone who is a friend or relative of Christin reads this post, I want to warn you that at the time this entry was made I had a very deep resentment towards her for what I feel is a justifiable reason. Looking back today my heart aches reading my own words. Please read with caution because I do not apologize for the way I felt when I wrote this. I considered editting it out, but I won't censor my own story no matter the irony of this post. 

Haven't posted in a while.  Life has been a little hectic for our family.  I have spent several weeks after my last post going to work and coming home and laying on the couch.  The first trimester of this pregnancy really kicked my ass. Things have slowly started calming down though.  Half way through my sixteenth week and feeling so much better. 
Unfortunately my plans for a home birth aren't going to work out the way I would've liked them to.  While I love my midwife and the idea of bringing our final addition in to the world in such a setting, my pocketbook has began feeling the pain of it.  So many things have came up since I first started paying her that it is to the point that I am just working to pay her and two other bills.  I can't stand being broke anymore, nor can I take the stress of arguing with the hubby over it. 
We went and toured one of the three hospitals in Des Moines yesterday.  For a hospital, it was beautiful.  We plan on taking a tour of the other two in the next couple of weeks while I have a few consultations with some other midwives in the area.  I'm just really hoping that everything works out for the best.  In the end all I want is a healthy baby, so I suppose it doesn't really matter where I have him/her.

Anyway.

Today we got a call from Alex's mother who was in hysterics because she went to Christin's.  Apparently, Christin took Aubrie and hid in the back of the trailer while Rayne proceeded to tell Paty that she didn't have to talk to her, nor did she have to let Aubrie see her.  Alex is in an uproar now because he is fed up with Rayne and Christin's bullshit.  He is taking the other three children to Ohio in a week and plans on rounding up his family to see if everyone can pitch in to help us pay for our lawyer. 
I've gone so far as to start looking up the prices of portable spy cameras with the thought that while he is in town he could stop by their house and see what he can get her to say.  Granted she's already dug herself a pretty deep hole, I'd like her to finish covering her own grave.  We really just want to see our sunshine again. 
I hope they both are enjoying the power they have right now because it's about to come to an end.  Alex and I have both decided that regardless if we end up with primary custody of her, he is petitioning for a no contact order on Rayne.  He may have been there for her since she was pregnant, but he is a low life and isn't good for either Aubrie or Christin.  We want what's best for that beautiful little girl, and that man is not.

I'm just ready for it to be over with. 
17 months and 9 days since we've been with her.
Our hearts ache at that thought.
We finally got to see a recent photo of her though. Not that it helped.

We miss you sunshine.... we will see you soon!

And The Change Continues

Things just keep changing for us.  Our last trip to Ohio proved to be productive in more ways than one.
First, I sat down with our lawyer to discuss all of the craziness going on with Aubrie.  From what we have been hearing from several friends and acquaintances back home, Christin and Rayne have allegedly been on some pretty hardcore drugs.  We're terrified for Aubrie. Thankfully, our lawyer is amazing, and once we gather up all of the necessary evidence, paperwork, and legal fees, she is going to file a petition for custody.  I'm ready for this process to be over with.  I miss our sunshine.

The next set of news came after we returned from Ohio.  We're pregnant again.  We had been trying for a little while, but stopped once I found out I was changing jobs.  Go figure that is when we would end up succeeding.  The timing lines up perfectly with our trip, so I'm about 98% certain that is when we conceived.  Anywho, this baby will be due in November.  For the most part I'm over the moon.  However, I can't help but have my concerns due to our previous miscarriage.
So far so good though.

This will be our last baby, and Alex's last shot for a boy.  I hope he gets what he wants, but my main concern is having a healthy baby regardless of gender.  I'm nervous about telling our family.  They have always been less than thrilled when it has came to us announcing previous pregancies.  I'm sure this one will be no different.
I'll be heading into the second trimester two weeks after mother's day, and that's when we plan on telling everyone.  Thankfully I live 600 miles away from them, so it'll be easy to keep to ourselves.  I've been looking up ways to make the announcement and I think I've settled on a couple of ideas.

I'm just not looking forward to the "Don't you know where babies come from?" and the "Are you going to tie your tubes now?" and the "Are you insane?" questions that I know we're going to hear.  It's really frustrating.  We're happy, and that's all that matters. 

 

I feel like God has led us here for a reason.  We're about to have our family complete and intact.  I know it in my heart.  I'm just ready for everything to be complete, and for all of the bad memories, and sad moments to be a distant memory.  I'm ready to see our Aubrie, I'm ready for this baby, and I'm ready to move into our future.  For once in my life I'm completely content.  I'm happy, I'm appreciative of every single person and thing in my life, and most importantly, I'm looking forward to my future. 

 

 

Thank you God, for all of our blessings.

 

 

 

-Namaste

Finding Inner Strength

You know what pisses me off?  Women who are too blind by "love" to see that they deserve so much more than the pathetic excuses of  men they think they are destined to spend the rest of their lives with.

I may not be an "educated" person (in terms of psychology), but I spent SEVEN years loving a man who called me Cunt more than my actual name.  When I finally found the strength to start loving myself more than him, my whole world changed.

Scrolling through my facebook today, I was stunned by the amount of pain and anguish coming from the women (young and old) who just do not realize how incredible they are. 

A man won't neglect you, belittle you, lie to you, or hide things from you.  A man WILL build you up, believe in you, push you to be better, laugh with you, cry with you, hold you when you feel like the world is caving in around you.  He will put you before his friends, YOU will be his best friend. 

There are times when I just want to reach through computer screen grab these women and shake them. 

So ladies here it goes, this is my heartfelt advice to you.  Speaking from experience.

You only get one life.  One chance, One go around at it.  If you don't know your self worth, don't expect a man to figure it out for you. 

Life has a way of handing you the things you expect to be handed.  When you expect crap, that's what you'll get.  However, if you start expecting good things they will slowly start working their way into your life.  This is no joke.  Not even one week after I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities my "Prince Charming" would have.  My amazing husband found me on the internet.  We have been with each other ever since.

I sat down and wrote out where I wanted to go in my life, and wrote out what I wanted in a man.  I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I wrote on this list.  My ideal man had to be someone who could make me laugh.  Who could accept me for who I was and not what he wanted me to be.  Who would love my children, and respect me as their mother.  Who had goals, who had God in his life, and wanted this for me as well. 

After Alex and I started dating not only did I check every single one of these expectations off of my list, he had qualities in him that I hadn't even thought that I needed.  He awoke a part of myself that I hadn't known I'd lost.  With him I feel free, strong, smart, and beautiful.  Most importantly, I feel LOVED, not just some days; but EVERY day. 

When sitting down and reflecting on your current relationship, if you can say that you cry more than three times a week, that should be your first red flag. Do you fight with him daily? And I'm not talking about bickering back and forth, my husband and I do that regularly. By "fighting" I mean screaming, yelling, cursing, name calling, knock down, drag out arguments that can be heard by half the neighborhood.
Second red flag.

Does he tell you you're beautiful more than just once or twice a year (or even a month)? Even when you know you look like death warmed over? Does he believe in your aspirations? Does he even know you have them? Does he go out regularly with his boys, but date nights are pretty much non-existant for you? Does he hide or lock his phone?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it's time to start re-evaluating your relationship. 
And I realize that this is so much easier said than done.
Trust me. 

Remember that seven years I mentioned at the beginning of this post?  It didn't just gradually turn to shit, it was pretty much shit from the beginning.  I was just to naive to see it.  Everyone around me told me to leave him, some even begged.  But, I just couldn't.  Despite everything they said, no matter how true I knew it was, I was so desperate to cling on to him.  Even though nearly every morning was spent with our faces red, and my throat raw from the screaming; eyes bloodshot from the tears that just kept coming.  The hurtful things he'd say and the neglect would simply melt away by the time night came.  Just wanting him there to sleep next to.  To feel his arms around me.  I thought that that's all I needed. 
Companionship.

My point ladies, is simply this:  Picture the man you would want your daughter to end up with (or imaginary daughter), and be as detailed in this image as you'd like, as long as you are realistic (i.e. no superpowers, millionaires, actual Princes, etc).  Now compare these qualities to your current man.  If he comes no where close to the man you imagine your daughter deserves, why would you settle for him? 

Being alone is hard.  But it is better to be alone on your own, than to be alone in a relationship. 

Be a role model for the little ladies in your lives.  Show them that you are an independent person, who KNOWS that she deserves nothing less than the best.  Don't go searching for Mr. Right, let him find you. 

Let love pursue you!

Get up every day, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat this OUT LOUD: 

"I am beautiful.  I am strong. I deserve nothing less than the best.  Today may not be perfect, but I will find the beauty that is hidden within it, as well as within myself, and I will let it shine for the world to see."

Your future begins with you.  Make it something incredible by finding your inner strength.

Until next time...

Namaste~

One of "Those" Days

There have been days where I've found myself questioning where I've put myself in life.
Many days that I wonder if I should have done things differently, made different choices, spent less time on "adventures" and more time on securing my future...  You get the idea.

Today, however, is not one of those days.

I started off this Sunday surrounded by the people I love most in my life.  Laughing with my husband, and having a tickle fight with the children that invaded our bed.
I headed downstairs to tackle the dishes, and start breakfast, happy and content.

I am a lucky woman.  While there are many obstacles still in front of me, many inner doubts and fears, I am still here; in a home with my best friend and three very amazing kids.
I could write about our challenges -- Aubrie, home ownership, debt, etc -- but instead I'm moving along with the determination I talked about in my previous post.

I won't lie, I haven't jumped leaps and bounds and found myself practicing yoga every single day, but I have managed to hammer out four, fifty minute sessions this week.  I also spent the ENTIRE day yesterday attacking my house.  I dusted, swept, organized, gathered, cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, and corralled nearly every spot in my house.  It still has a little ways to go, but I feel absolutely content with the idea of tackling the rest next weekend. 

We also got really exciting news yesterday, we'll be adding another member to our family very soon!

This adorable little guy is a Great Dane/Border Collie mix and gets to come home March 12th! We haven't told the kids, so I can't wait to see their reaction when we pick him up.

All in all, today is a good day.  One I've chose to log as such, so that I can come back and remind myself when one of "those" days creeps up on me.

Until Next time...

                           Namaste-

Moving Forward

I've literally felt like all I've done these last few months is drift by. 
I don't know what my problem is.
This seems to be a pattern for me.

It's amazing that when I'm not writing, all I can think about it is getting to a piece of paper, or my trusty laptop and hammering out this overflow of thoughts I have.  Yet, once equipped with a pencil or keyboard... Nothing.

Nothing comes to mind, nothing comes out. 

This alone took me 10 minutes to type up.

I feel like I have so much inside me to share with the world.  Writing use to be such a passion of mine and now that I've came to the conclusion that I need to start diving into it again, I'm lost.

I'm trying to slowly become a better version of myself. In my mind's eye I picture the "better" me as someone who can wake up each morning, run through a quick morning yoga wake up.  Eat some fruit, drink a cup of coffee, get the kids to school, myself to work, come home, do housework, cook a nutritious and healthy supper, bathe the kids, put them to bed, do a quick nighttime yoga routine, and start the next day.
At some point this "better" version of myself, will learn something new every day, start a hobby, explore new things with my family on the weekends, spend more time enjoying my children and their current stages, and find time to write out my dreams, my frustrations, my advice, my LIFE EXPERIENCE, anything, everything.

However, that's far from my current version of self.

I'm slowly getting back into my yoga routine.  I rarely ever get up early enough to hammer it out let alone get up make breakfast and drink a cup of coffee. 
As for coming home to do housework after a long day of cleaning other people's houses........ HA!  My house looks like it's inhabited by cave people. 

My mother would be ashamed.

I just need to take one day at a time I suppose.  So here it goes for Day Number 1.

-Did a very gratifying yoga sequence -- I feel amazing
-Made a kick ass breakfast -- Eggs, bacon, pancakes, and OJ.. YUM!
-Did the dishes, started laundry, cleaned up our downstairs and had kids clean their rooms
-Got back on this blog and made a new entry --  yay!

I'm becoming DEDICATED to live a better life, starting TODAY! I'm tired of our regular routine. I'm tired of feeling like crap about my life.  I have to make things better and it's going to take a lot of work, but I WILL DO IT!

Until next time my silent audience...