Finding Inner Strength

You know what pisses me off?  Women who are too blind by "love" to see that they deserve so much more than the pathetic excuses of  men they think they are destined to spend the rest of their lives with.

I may not be an "educated" person (in terms of psychology), but I spent SEVEN years loving a man who called me Cunt more than my actual name.  When I finally found the strength to start loving myself more than him, my whole world changed.

Scrolling through my facebook today, I was stunned by the amount of pain and anguish coming from the women (young and old) who just do not realize how incredible they are. 

A man won't neglect you, belittle you, lie to you, or hide things from you.  A man WILL build you up, believe in you, push you to be better, laugh with you, cry with you, hold you when you feel like the world is caving in around you.  He will put you before his friends, YOU will be his best friend. 

There are times when I just want to reach through computer screen grab these women and shake them. 

So ladies here it goes, this is my heartfelt advice to you.  Speaking from experience.

You only get one life.  One chance, One go around at it.  If you don't know your self worth, don't expect a man to figure it out for you. 

Life has a way of handing you the things you expect to be handed.  When you expect crap, that's what you'll get.  However, if you start expecting good things they will slowly start working their way into your life.  This is no joke.  Not even one week after I sat down and wrote out a list of qualities my "Prince Charming" would have.  My amazing husband found me on the internet.  We have been with each other ever since.

I sat down and wrote out where I wanted to go in my life, and wrote out what I wanted in a man.  I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I wrote on this list.  My ideal man had to be someone who could make me laugh.  Who could accept me for who I was and not what he wanted me to be.  Who would love my children, and respect me as their mother.  Who had goals, who had God in his life, and wanted this for me as well. 

After Alex and I started dating not only did I check every single one of these expectations off of my list, he had qualities in him that I hadn't even thought that I needed.  He awoke a part of myself that I hadn't known I'd lost.  With him I feel free, strong, smart, and beautiful.  Most importantly, I feel LOVED, not just some days; but EVERY day. 

When sitting down and reflecting on your current relationship, if you can say that you cry more than three times a week, that should be your first red flag. Do you fight with him daily? And I'm not talking about bickering back and forth, my husband and I do that regularly. By "fighting" I mean screaming, yelling, cursing, name calling, knock down, drag out arguments that can be heard by half the neighborhood.
Second red flag.

Does he tell you you're beautiful more than just once or twice a year (or even a month)? Even when you know you look like death warmed over? Does he believe in your aspirations? Does he even know you have them? Does he go out regularly with his boys, but date nights are pretty much non-existant for you? Does he hide or lock his phone?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it's time to start re-evaluating your relationship. 
And I realize that this is so much easier said than done.
Trust me. 

Remember that seven years I mentioned at the beginning of this post?  It didn't just gradually turn to shit, it was pretty much shit from the beginning.  I was just to naive to see it.  Everyone around me told me to leave him, some even begged.  But, I just couldn't.  Despite everything they said, no matter how true I knew it was, I was so desperate to cling on to him.  Even though nearly every morning was spent with our faces red, and my throat raw from the screaming; eyes bloodshot from the tears that just kept coming.  The hurtful things he'd say and the neglect would simply melt away by the time night came.  Just wanting him there to sleep next to.  To feel his arms around me.  I thought that that's all I needed. 
Companionship.

My point ladies, is simply this:  Picture the man you would want your daughter to end up with (or imaginary daughter), and be as detailed in this image as you'd like, as long as you are realistic (i.e. no superpowers, millionaires, actual Princes, etc).  Now compare these qualities to your current man.  If he comes no where close to the man you imagine your daughter deserves, why would you settle for him? 

Being alone is hard.  But it is better to be alone on your own, than to be alone in a relationship. 

Be a role model for the little ladies in your lives.  Show them that you are an independent person, who KNOWS that she deserves nothing less than the best.  Don't go searching for Mr. Right, let him find you. 

Let love pursue you!

Get up every day, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat this OUT LOUD: 

"I am beautiful.  I am strong. I deserve nothing less than the best.  Today may not be perfect, but I will find the beauty that is hidden within it, as well as within myself, and I will let it shine for the world to see."

Your future begins with you.  Make it something incredible by finding your inner strength.

Until next time...

Namaste~

One of "Those" Days

There have been days where I've found myself questioning where I've put myself in life.
Many days that I wonder if I should have done things differently, made different choices, spent less time on "adventures" and more time on securing my future...  You get the idea.

Today, however, is not one of those days.

I started off this Sunday surrounded by the people I love most in my life.  Laughing with my husband, and having a tickle fight with the children that invaded our bed.
I headed downstairs to tackle the dishes, and start breakfast, happy and content.

I am a lucky woman.  While there are many obstacles still in front of me, many inner doubts and fears, I am still here; in a home with my best friend and three very amazing kids.
I could write about our challenges -- Aubrie, home ownership, debt, etc -- but instead I'm moving along with the determination I talked about in my previous post.

I won't lie, I haven't jumped leaps and bounds and found myself practicing yoga every single day, but I have managed to hammer out four, fifty minute sessions this week.  I also spent the ENTIRE day yesterday attacking my house.  I dusted, swept, organized, gathered, cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, and corralled nearly every spot in my house.  It still has a little ways to go, but I feel absolutely content with the idea of tackling the rest next weekend. 

We also got really exciting news yesterday, we'll be adding another member to our family very soon!

This adorable little guy is a Great Dane/Border Collie mix and gets to come home March 12th! We haven't told the kids, so I can't wait to see their reaction when we pick him up.

All in all, today is a good day.  One I've chose to log as such, so that I can come back and remind myself when one of "those" days creeps up on me.

Until Next time...

                           Namaste-

Moving Forward

I've literally felt like all I've done these last few months is drift by. 
I don't know what my problem is.
This seems to be a pattern for me.

It's amazing that when I'm not writing, all I can think about it is getting to a piece of paper, or my trusty laptop and hammering out this overflow of thoughts I have.  Yet, once equipped with a pencil or keyboard... Nothing.

Nothing comes to mind, nothing comes out. 

This alone took me 10 minutes to type up.

I feel like I have so much inside me to share with the world.  Writing use to be such a passion of mine and now that I've came to the conclusion that I need to start diving into it again, I'm lost.

I'm trying to slowly become a better version of myself. In my mind's eye I picture the "better" me as someone who can wake up each morning, run through a quick morning yoga wake up.  Eat some fruit, drink a cup of coffee, get the kids to school, myself to work, come home, do housework, cook a nutritious and healthy supper, bathe the kids, put them to bed, do a quick nighttime yoga routine, and start the next day.
At some point this "better" version of myself, will learn something new every day, start a hobby, explore new things with my family on the weekends, spend more time enjoying my children and their current stages, and find time to write out my dreams, my frustrations, my advice, my LIFE EXPERIENCE, anything, everything.

However, that's far from my current version of self.

I'm slowly getting back into my yoga routine.  I rarely ever get up early enough to hammer it out let alone get up make breakfast and drink a cup of coffee. 
As for coming home to do housework after a long day of cleaning other people's houses........ HA!  My house looks like it's inhabited by cave people. 

My mother would be ashamed.

I just need to take one day at a time I suppose.  So here it goes for Day Number 1.

-Did a very gratifying yoga sequence -- I feel amazing
-Made a kick ass breakfast -- Eggs, bacon, pancakes, and OJ.. YUM!
-Did the dishes, started laundry, cleaned up our downstairs and had kids clean their rooms
-Got back on this blog and made a new entry --  yay!

I'm becoming DEDICATED to live a better life, starting TODAY! I'm tired of our regular routine. I'm tired of feeling like crap about my life.  I have to make things better and it's going to take a lot of work, but I WILL DO IT!

Until next time my silent audience...