Let Go and Let God

This evening has been an emotional one.
We drove to Des Moines and were on the return trip when out of no where I hear from the back seat,  "Hey mommy. I have another sister, Aubrie. Remember her?"

Instant heartache.

"Yes baby, I remember Aubrie."

Then there was silence.

Alex turned up the radio, and I spent the remainder of the trip staring out the window at the stars, thinking about our Sunshine and praying.

I've spent so many months being angry. Cursing Christin and Rayne's name and wishing this was over.
Now, when I close my eyes I repeat in my head "let go & let God."  God sees all and I know in my heart he will reunite us soon. He will give my children their sister back.
I just have to keep faith. 

So please excuse me, dear audience, while I write this note that I wish our sweet Aubrie could read.

 

 

Hello Sunshine!
   We think of you often. Daily in fact. I wish I could put into words exactly how much we miss you, but it's really incomprehensible.  The best way to describe it, if I were to even try, would be to say that everything we see, every conversation we have reminds us of you. "You are My Sunshine" replays so often in my head that it's almost as if it were my own personal theme song. If that even makes sense.
    All I know is the thought of your little face brings tears to me eyes and a tightening in my chest. I can't believe it's been thirteen months. I'm sure you've changed so much.
    I hope that you are happy sweet girl and can't wait to see you again. Your sister is getting so big and looks so much like you. Her personality is a lot like yours as well, so I'm beginning to realize just how much of your papi is in you girls. Lydia is doing well and talks about you often. She misses you the most I think. And your big brother misses you too.  He has faith that you will remember all of us when we finally get to pick you up.

   We all send you all of our love dear Aubrie.
    See you soon ♥

Meggy

~~~~~~

Dear Lord,
Please watch over our Sunshine. Please keep her mom safe and help erase the animosity she feels towards us from her heart.
Most importantly Lord please help me to forgive her and Rayne for the hurt they've caused our family.
I know you have a plan for all of us.
Amen

Missing Our Sunshine

Disclaimer 01/26/2015:

Before anyone who is a friend or relative of Christin reads this post, I want to warn you that at the time this entry was made I had a very deep resentment towards her for what I feel is a justifiable reason. Looking back today my heart aches reading my own words. Please read with caution because I do not apologize for the way I felt when I wrote this. I considered editting it out, but I won't censor my own story no matter the irony of this post. 

Haven't posted in a while.  Life has been a little hectic for our family.  I have spent several weeks after my last post going to work and coming home and laying on the couch.  The first trimester of this pregnancy really kicked my ass. Things have slowly started calming down though.  Half way through my sixteenth week and feeling so much better. 
Unfortunately my plans for a home birth aren't going to work out the way I would've liked them to.  While I love my midwife and the idea of bringing our final addition in to the world in such a setting, my pocketbook has began feeling the pain of it.  So many things have came up since I first started paying her that it is to the point that I am just working to pay her and two other bills.  I can't stand being broke anymore, nor can I take the stress of arguing with the hubby over it. 
We went and toured one of the three hospitals in Des Moines yesterday.  For a hospital, it was beautiful.  We plan on taking a tour of the other two in the next couple of weeks while I have a few consultations with some other midwives in the area.  I'm just really hoping that everything works out for the best.  In the end all I want is a healthy baby, so I suppose it doesn't really matter where I have him/her.

Anyway.

Today we got a call from Alex's mother who was in hysterics because she went to Christin's.  Apparently, Christin took Aubrie and hid in the back of the trailer while Rayne proceeded to tell Paty that she didn't have to talk to her, nor did she have to let Aubrie see her.  Alex is in an uproar now because he is fed up with Rayne and Christin's bullshit.  He is taking the other three children to Ohio in a week and plans on rounding up his family to see if everyone can pitch in to help us pay for our lawyer. 
I've gone so far as to start looking up the prices of portable spy cameras with the thought that while he is in town he could stop by their house and see what he can get her to say.  Granted she's already dug herself a pretty deep hole, I'd like her to finish covering her own grave.  We really just want to see our sunshine again. 
I hope they both are enjoying the power they have right now because it's about to come to an end.  Alex and I have both decided that regardless if we end up with primary custody of her, he is petitioning for a no contact order on Rayne.  He may have been there for her since she was pregnant, but he is a low life and isn't good for either Aubrie or Christin.  We want what's best for that beautiful little girl, and that man is not.

I'm just ready for it to be over with. 
17 months and 9 days since we've been with her.
Our hearts ache at that thought.
We finally got to see a recent photo of her though. Not that it helped.

We miss you sunshine.... we will see you soon!