Small confession before I begin this post. I do not feel fully confident in giving relationship and/or marriage advice. Not because I don't feel like I have an amazing marriage, but because I don't feel like we have put in the time it takes to make one qualified to say.
That being said, I have to get my thoughts out here. I have been in two major relationships in my life and they were like night and day.
My first relationship lasted from 2001 until 2008. He was a few years older and I was incredibly young. The premise of every parents nightmare really. My parents were otherwise occupied with work and their own marital problems though, and being the youngest of four children I got pretty good at sneaking around.
I look back at that relationship and the only question I ask myself is why?
Not why did I date him; not why did I try to grow up so fast; not why didn't my parents stop me; but why didn't I stand up for myself?
I was not perfect or without blame in the Hell that was our relationship. I was a teenage girl. For those who know what that's like to be or live with, I'll bet you're nodding in understanding right now.
To say I was bipolar and crazed would be an understatement. We fought from day one. We didn't care where we were or who was around, we fought. I wouldn't leave him alone either. That was a huge mistake on my part, but it was like this uncontrollable magnetic charge that completely prevented me from letting him walk away from me.
Sure, he was mean. I remember it vividly. He said horrible things that he knew would cut me deep. However, he always managed to do it in such a controlled way that no matter what I was left to look like the psycho. People I thought were my friends began making me and his relationship the center of their conversations. Never knowing both sides of the story or seeing the insane things he'd do to me.
We split briefly in 2003 for what I thought was his chance to gain custody of his son. It turned out to be six months of him and I not officially being in a relationship so he could date not one, but two of my best friends. All the while still seeing me in secret. Yeah... It's honestly embarrassing to admit.
This is what happens when you are a little girl trying to pretend you're an adult. A fifteen year old has no business chasing after an eighteen year old with a two year old son. But there I went, heart on my sleeve, running as fast as I could.
Life changed quick when I got pregnant and had our son in 2004. The foolishness of him chasing both my friends dwindled down to just one. Bonus, he was nice enough to only occasionally do it in front of me. Lucky me.
He moved in with me when I was six months pregnant. Me with this naive notion that all of our problems would disappear once we were living together and our son was here. Instead I was left with the choice that he could leave during the day or he could leave at night, but he was going to leave one way or another every single day.
I look back and I think about every opportunity I had to say No. This is not how you are going to treat me. And how many times I just didn't. It took me so long to realize that I did deserve better. No matter what anyone else thought.
I didn't stand up for myself until 2007, when my best friend and I moved in together. Looking at him and telling him I was moving out was one of the most freeing moments of my life. I had waited six years for him to show me that I was worth fighting for. He did... For two months. Long enough for him to move in to my new place and then we went straight back to where we were. Hearing cunt more than Megan.
The worst part of all of it and what eventually brought me to my senses was all of this; every fight, every push, every name that was called, random thing that was thrown; it all happened in front of our little boy. That poor innocent child that had no say in what was going on.
Our final split and my eye opening transformation came in 2008. I went through a huge life change and our relationship ended as it was meant to. All of that year was spent figuring myself out. Reflecting over the idiotic mistakes of an inexperienced and impressionable teen girl.
I spent all of my teenage life trying to skip it. I didn't realize it until those years were over, but it is exactly what I did. The summer I turned thirteen and gained the tiniest bit of freedom I was immediately drawn to kids three to four years my senior. I immediately acted like I was grown instead of embracing all that was in front of me as a kid.
My first boyfriend turned into a seven year relationship that produced my first child. I know that everything was meant to happen that way because my son changed my life, but I can't help but feel cheated out of my last five years of childhood. I unknowingly cheated myself and it is a regret I hope to prevent my own kids from repeating.
The one major thing I have going for me with this goal is being with a man who is the complete opposite of my ex. Our relationship started with me knowing exactly what I wanted and how I expected to be treated. It started with a let's see how this goes type of attitude. We both had just ended major relationships within the last few months and we were in no hurry to jump into another.
Alex and I had known each other years before, being neighborhood friends at age five. Our hometown is unique in the sense of being very small, but divided in half by the Indiana-Ohio state line. For the first three years of him living in our town he lived with his Aunt at the end of the alley behind my house. We spent a lot of time playing together before he moved across town and went to the other school.
My mom was a consultant of sorts for the few years he lived close. His mom and aunts loved the home decor she sold so I spent a lot of time coming with her to the parties they'd throw. During this time Alex and I grew very fond of each other and little did I know then that we both had developed our first little crush.
We lost touch once his family settled into their new home. Only to be reunited twelve years later through the power of the internet.
I knew from our first conversation that he was different. Everything felt natural. He asked for my number and when I gave it to him I said you can call now if you want. Being the ass that he is, he responded with something to the effect of whoa now let's not rush things. I was embarrassed to say the least and let it be known. He called and apologized saying that it had been a joke.
That was my first taste of how our relationship would go. Never being able to be mad at him because he can always make me laugh.
We spent the first three months testing the waters. Spending late night hours watching corny movies and eating pizza rolls and tator tots. Not wanting outside interference or to confuse my kids we didn't spend anytime together during the day. No one knew who the person was making each one of us happy. Though everyone spent many weeks trying to guess.
I know now that that is exactly what we should have done and I'm so grateful we did. By keeping our budding romance to ourselves we gave us a real shot. We got to know one another. We got to talk about what hurt us in the past and what we didn't want for our future. We got to have our space to remember that we still needed it. We spent time together because we wanted to not because we had to.
Sure no relationship is without its downsides. We are not perfect all of the time. We do have to put work into us and the problems that we have. The difference between this relationship and my last though is overwhelming.
My husband never calls me the c word. Ever. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times he has called me a bitch and we've been together for six years. His biggest flaw in our arguments really is the amount of effort it takes to get him to talk at all. His response usually being I just don't know what to say or I don't want to make it worse.
We didn't even have a "real" fight until about six months into seeing each other and our second came probably six months after that. We bickered and disagreed sure. Still do a lot, but it is easy (for the most part) to talk it through and move on. We both remember what is it we want and that is each other.
It's effortless to love him and I have never once thought to myself that I don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him. We've never publicly blown up at one another or disrespected each other outwardly. We are playful towards one another and tease each other all the time. We are united in all things that we do. We remind each other daily that we're in this for the long haul. We have a forever kind of love.
Alex knows how to treat a woman. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful. Everyday he gets up and works hard so I can be home with our kids. Every day he comes up to me wraps his arms around my waist and whispers I love you in my ear. Everyday.
He has his faults and I have mine, but together we bring out the best in one another. That's how I know that we have a relationship worth fighting for. When I got with him I told myself I would never again allow a man to make me feel worthless. Never again allow a man to tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated well. That I wasn't worth spending time with.
Alex has never made me have to remind myself of those things. He has never put me down. This is why I ask myself why I put up with it for so long with my ex. How I could have allowed someone to tell me I was a horrible mother and person. I remember so many hurtful things he said and did to me and I remember so many times I cried and told him I would change. The mere fact that I considered even once being the person who needed to change in that relationship makes me ashamed of myself.
Sure, I did need to change, but not in any way that he told me I needed to. I needed to change by becoming a stronger woman. Being someone who developed a damn backbone.
The hardest part was convincing myself that I would survive without him. That I was worth so much more than what he tried to make me believe I was. Years of being told I wasn't good enough or any other person who I tried to get with would treat me the same made it nearly impossible. Once I did though there was no turning back.
I found out that being alone wasn't the worst thing that could happen. That year I spent being a single mom was the best gift I could've given my children. They got to see their mom transform from a doormat to an independent happy woman. I gave them the opportunity to grow up in an environment free from watching their mom suffer from mental and emotional abuse.
My kids get to see what it's like to have parents who love each other more than life. Who are more than just a husband and wife, but are best friends. Who laugh together and bicker; who are affectionate and childish; who respect one another and give each other space. It's an amazing feeling.
We are still very much in the early years of our marriage. I have several years ahead of me before I feel like I can begin sharing the secrets of what it takes to make it a success. I just wanted to take the time right now though to say that I know what it feels like to feel defeated in love. To wonder if there really is a man out there for me. One that won't make me feel like something's wrong with me and instead make it feel like my whole world has split wide open and all the possibilities are poring out in front of us.
I want anyone reading this right now who feels even the slightest bit relatable to know that the only person standing in the way of your happiness right now is you. I don't say it to be mean, I don't say it to make you feel bad about yourself, I say it because you need to hear it. Being alone is terrifying, but being with someone who doesn't treat you like the incredible person that you are is by far the worst thing you can do to yourself.
You have to sit back and take a long hard look in the mirror. Do you know what you deserve? Because I do.
You, my dear, deserve the world. Please, don't let anyone make you feel like you don't.
