Life Lessons Don't Take a Vacation

Summer's over kids and your mom has taken quite a long break in her writing. I'm sorry for this.

With the change in our routine, the separation, and craziness; I've kept myself preoccupied and busy with various projects and new hobbies.

And in all honesty I'm coming off of a massive case of writer's block.

However, I learned something very valuable and as I lay here at nearly 10:30 at night, I can't seem to allow myself to sleep before getting it out. So here it goes.

Sometimes in life situations arise that test you. They test the goodness in you, my loves. A test that may seem easy when talked about, but proves to be so much harder when you are in the throes of it.

My resolve was tested this summer. In a way that I'm admittedly still struggling to come to terms with. Not because of regret, not because of anger, but because of genuine hurt and confusion.

It's led me to realize one major flaw of myself that I am learning to embrace. Sometimes things are better left to work themselves out. I am a person who more often than not, cannot leave unresolved issues lay. I try to hard to fix things and end up making a bigger mess than the one I started with. This time, I'm being good. I'm leaving it where it's at and letting fate take over.

I'm accepting the situation for what it appears to be and that's because of this important tidbit of information I'm about to pass on to you.

So without further ado...

Someday a person may come to you in their time of need. I'd like to hope at a moment like this that all you can think about is how much you genuinely care about this person. How much you love them from the depths of your soul. Without question you know that you will be there. You will help them. Even if it tests your patience, your sanity, and your ability to see past the flaws in yourself and them.

Sometimes you are put in the middle of someone's path for a reason. You may not understand why, but it is there, hidden just outside of view.

Sometimes these moments will give you (seemingly) nothing in return. Please, guys, listen to your mom when I say do it anyway.

Sometimes through your dedication this person gains so much more than they had. Even if your role is minute in their outcome, a piece nearly unrecognizable in the panaromic view of their life. Do it anyway.

Even when they walk away after and never speak to you again. Revisit why you said yes. Rethink the place you were in. The genuine love and desire to help and do it anyway.

Never second guess the role you play in someone else's life when the part your playing grows from the goodness in your heart. You cannot go wrong when you begin with pure intentions.

If events unfold and this person fades away, it's okay. You didn't get involved to reap the benefits. If you were expecting something in return then that is a reflection on your character, not theirs.

Find comfort in knowing that when someone needed you, you were there. There are so few people left in this world who think of others before themselves. Be the ones who do good solely because it is the right thing to do.

I promise you, you will love yourself so much more for it.

All of this can be said for people you don't know, too. Help that woman trying to console a screaming toddler who just dropped an entire bag of groceries on the parking lot pavement. Rush to open the door for the elderly couple barely standing upright with the support of their walkers. Stand up for that kid, that adult, that animal, being bullied.

Do it and you will feel your heart grow. You will sense a lightness in your step and your goodness will touch the lives of those fortunate enough to witness your act of selflessness.

It is so easy to give into comfort. So easy to turn your back on someone because it seems as if their drama; their problems; their situations will be an inconvenience to you. Don't be that person. Don't give into the negative kiddos. You are so much more than that.

I pray that I instill a compassion in you so big that it lights a fire under your ass anytime you see someone being selfish and cruel. I pray that I give you a good enough example of how a person with a good heart behaves that it touches the lives of every person you ever meet.

While you may have had a summer vacation, and I may have pretty much taken the summer off of writing for this blog. There is no vacation from truly learning all life has to offer. Lessons come at you at every turn. When the last thing you can think about doing is turning and welcoming these lessons with open arms.... Please. Do it anyway.

All my love,
Mama

Sometimes the Right Path Isn't Always the Easiest

Okay mommies. There are some things I need to get off of my chest.  Some things that have been bothering and building up in me for a long time. I hope you have the time to listen and the open-mindedness to take my words to heart. If not for yourselves, for your children.

We all want to do right by our kids. Keep them safe, give them a good future, great memories. We marvel at their beauty, enamored by everything that they are. So naturally everything we do starts with what in our minds, is what's best for them.

But I pose this question, how can keeping a piece of your child away from them, be what's best?

Now I realize that there are always certain situations where this is the best thing for your child. But, I refuse to believe it is in as many situations as I've seen.

What piece am I referring to, you ask? Your child's father.
And in many cases any family attached to that father.

Listen mamas. At the end of the day you are responsible for your child's well being. Physically and mentally. It's so easy to think of the here and now. Hell my 2015 resolution is based around living in the moment this year. However, when it comes to my kids, I juggle absorbing every moment I possibly can and trying to imagine how my decisions are going to impact their future selves simultaneously. It's a juggling act that never ends because as I mentioned above, everything I do is done with what is best for my children in mind. 

Now, let's not misconstrue things. I am by no means a perfect parent. I have made my fair share of mistakes in my ten years as a mom. Because as I just stated parenthood is full of juggling acts beginning with learning how to juggle.  Naturally somewhere along this journey I'm bound to drop the ball. It's about the fact that I keep picking it back up and trying again.

Now let's get back to cutting out a parent from your kid's life.

When we get down to it every person who does this feels like they have a justifiable reason. And apart from abuse whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or substance; or fear for neglect or  kidnapping. There is absolutely no reason to keep your child from their parent. So get down off of your high horse and let's talk awhile.

I want you to picture a few different scenarios with me because no matter what you think each is a very plausible outcome to the situation you've created in your son or daughter's life.

Scenario numero uno:

Let's take a trip fifteen years into the future. You've successfully alienated your kid(s) from your ex and your sitting across from your son or daughter talking. What would the conversation sound like when they look at you and say why mom? Why wasn't he there? Why couldn't I see him?

You can really go two routes with this, you can tell the truth or you can lie. And to be clear, in my opinion omissions are lies. I can't stress the importance of which route you choose. A determined child will find the answers they are looking for. And sometimes, those answers find them first.
I don't know about you, but I don't ever want to see the day where I look into my child's eyes to find pain inflicted by me. Even if it wasn't always the easiest route I always put my child's feelings before mine. Do I get along with my ex? No. I don't. He was abusive, unappreciative, and brought out a horrible person in me. We didn't compliment each other or make each other want to be better people. We wanted to be right; to one up one another; and put each other down. But, that was between me and him. Not him and our son.
No one is claiming my son's father is in the running to win father of the year, but he loves Damian. I'm not blind to that. I see it in the way he looks at him. I hear it in his voice when he talks to him. He loves his son the way a father should love his son. More importantly he loves his son the way my son needs to be loved. The way that will help him grow into the best possible version of himself. The compassionate, fun-spirited, responsible father I hope to see him become one day.

The easy route would have been to cut him out of his life when I cut him out of mine. But sometimes the right path is not always the easiest one.
The damage that would do to my son would be something I could never erase. One day, he would come to me and ask me why? No answer could be good enough.

We fought constantly Damian. He treated me terribly. We deserved better.

Ok mom, but how did he treat me?

Boom.

Do I lie? No. I can't lie to my child. Shame on anyone who can. You could argue that we make little lies all the time to our kids, but I'm speaking on real lies. Lies that affect their lives in a profound way. Not these fibs we tell our kids about holiday figures, that we didn't eat the last cookie, and about how the Hulk gets big and strong from eating all of his vegetables (his favorite is broccoli why do you think he turns green?)

Lies are poison. The more you tell the faster you kill the most important relationship in your life. The one between a parent and a child. And for the record that would then mean you are responsible for killing two. As a parent, how can your feelings towards your ex be enough to justify erasing that half of them? If your ex truly is as terrible as you make them out to be the best way to kick them out of your kid's life is to let them do it on their own. Whether that be they slowly fade away from not calling or visiting or as your child gets older they see for themselves what type of person they are and make the decision for themselves. Just because you have the right to make the decisions on behalf of your children now doesn't mean that you should. Especially in situations like this.

Scenario numero dos:

It's been six months since you've let your ex have a visit or a phone call from your daughter and all of a sudden there's a knock on the door. Peering through the curtain by the door you see a sheriff. You've been served court papers. Your ex is fighting for custody.

Say what you will about being your daughter's mother. Judges no longer favor the mothers in custody battles as they use to. Depending on how good of a lawyer your ex has without showing a justifiable reason to have kept your daughter from him all this time, you're in real trouble here of losing primary custody. All he needs to establish is that he is willing to work with you, but you refuse. The proof is the call logs, the witness testimony, the recorded conversation the last time you spoke. The attempts that he's made that you have shot down every time.

What do you do? Every reason you told yourself you were doing this for now sounds silly and petty as you sit on the stand and speak to the court. Your heart racing as realization kicks in that there may be a very good possibility you are going to lose your daughter.

For the sassy moms out there ready with their rebuttals for this situation ... My ex can't afford a lawyer, he wouldn't take me to court, he could never prove himself to be a more fit parent than I am..... Refer to scenario numero uno.

Scenario numero tres:

It's been two years since your daughter has seen her biological father. You've been dating so she has a "daddy" and to you life is going perfect. You've done exactly what you wanted. Pushed out the person who you couldn't make it work with and found what in your mind is the better fit for your little girl's daddy. She's small enough that she doesn't even remember him. She doesn't know she has siblings. She doesn't know her grandparents, her uncles, her cousins. Life is great. For you.
You see that number flash on your phone. You briefly wonder why he still bothers? You have ignored his calls repeatedly for the last several months. How did he even get your new number? You remember the knock on your door last month. Seeing his mother standing on the other side. Thank goodness your fiancee was here to answer and tell her to leave. You go on about your day. Making preparations for a date you and your guy are going on tonight. Thanking God for giving you such a wonderful mother who's always excited to spend the day with her granddaughter.

Fast forward a few hours. Your ex's phone rings. He answers and his wife watches him drop to his knees. It's a moment he never expected to be faced with.

You see, after you dropped that lovely little girl off. You and the man that she calls daddy were in a car accident. You didn't make it.

Where does that leave your daughter? Well, to her in the arms of strangers. Family she doesn't know because you didn't let her. Not for anymore reason than it didn't fit your idea of what your family should look like.

She's scared and confused. At four she doesn't quite understand why this man is saying he's her real daddy. He decides maybe a sort of fairy tale explanation may be what's better for her.

A big one eyed monster came and stole him away. Daddy's been fighting his was back to you ever since. This monster sprinkled sparkly dust all over mommy and made her forget daddy, that's why she never told you about him.

Leaving out that the monster was the man your little girl thought was her daddy. Not mentioning that you knew full well that her real dad was trying so hard to see her. Not telling her about all the gifts for birthdays and Christmas that she believed came from aunts and uncles far away, were really packages of love from her sisters and brothers and daddy and her step mommy.

They spend the next several months calming night terrors and working through separation anxiety when she's left with a sitter. Did I mention that the reason it was so easy to keep your ex at bay is because he lived hundreds of miles away? That's right. Your daughter has been taken from everything she knows. She's broken inside and cries for you and her grandma. She hides from strangers, makes her self sick from anxiety attacks, her stomach's in knots. She asks every time they leave her if they're coming back.

Her trust has been shattered. She doesn't know what to believe. Her innocence and naivety has all but disappeared. As if overnight that sweet little four year old has the soul of someone five times her age. She's keenly aware of so much more.
Every day her new mommy and daddy work with her. They tell her stories about before the monster came, about when her real mommy and new mommy were friends. About when her new daddy and real mommy were in love and had her. They smooth over the details that show the side of you that your daughter doesn't need to know. Because it no longer makes a difference. Because they aren't like you. Because they know despite the fact you couldn't get past the things you didn't like about them, they can see the beautiful pieces of you that were put into this incredible child. Half of her is you, half of her is him, and all of her is amazing. If they were to deny that there was good within you and hate you for it  than they would have to hate half of your daughter. And that is impossible for them to do.

She eventually adjusts to her new life, but she'll never be the same.

These scenarios however unbelievable they may be to you, do happen. I have lived two of the three and more. My writing this is simply for the hope of helping you from unknowingly damaging the people in your life that you are so vehemently trying to protect. Your actions have a profound affect on everyone involved even if you don't see it at first. No one said joint parenting is easy, there are decisions you will have to make that will test your sanity and your strength. But, these decisions are for your child, not you. Your feelings are irrelevant.

If you should ever be faced with one of these situations I pray you make it through with as little damage as possible to you and your child's relationship. And if your family should ever be faced with a situation like scenario number three I pray that your ex handles the situation like my husband did. Because if he doesn't, then it's not only the child that suffers but your family as well; when he refuses to let any of them see your child because of what you've done to him and his family. 

In closing mommies of the world, a child needs to know where they came from. Whether you like it or not, your beautiful bundle of joy is made from pieces of you and pieces of your ex. Don't block out something you can't change. Your child deserves more. Give them the perfect example of being the bigger person. I promise you won't regret it.

R.I.P. Christin Marie Deaton 10/17/1988 - 01/22/2014