Hey kiddos.
It's been a while since I've written. Today, however, it's all I've wanted to do.
I've been in a negative space lately. My mind has been resting in it and it's taken a toll on me I don't quite care for.
So I need to talk about it. I need to tell you about it. I need you to read my words and mull them over. They're important.
You can't live a positive life with a negative mind.
Read that again. Go ahead. I'll wait.
You can't loves. It just isn't possible.
I reached a point a couple of months ago where I finally stepped outside of myself and took a long hard look at the person I was becoming. I wasn't happy at what I saw. For the first time in 13 years I acknowledged that I needed help.
I have thrown out in the past that I am a highly emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I let my feelings run my life. While I'll admit that this is partially true. It isn't the whole picture of me.
This highly emotional train wreck of a mother and wife, deep down is suffering. So much more than I want to admit. I finally acknowledge I am depressed.
Depression sucks the life out of you. It turns you into someone you don't want to be and the worst part of it, it makes you believe you'll never be free of it. It's a downward spiral of negative. Living with it for 13 years convinced me that I would be fine. That I didn't need to talk to anyone because I could handle it. I still had good days after all. I still had moments where I was little Miss Bubbly Sunshine so how depressed could I really be?
It's tricky that way, you know?
I see now that that isn't the case. I'm exhausted guys. I'm tired of the gloom. The darkness that has sucked the joy and optimism out of me at every turn. It's too much work to constantly worry about every. Single. Thing. That has and hasn't happened in our lives. I just can't do it anymore.
So your mama finally went and talked to someone. I finally took that step. I finally am working toward better for myself and ultimately you guys. I'm a long way from where I want to be, but I'm getting there and that is what is important.
I want you to remember something. It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to be hard on yourself. But it isn't okay to unpack and live there. No matter what you may think, storms will pass. They are not constant. Choosing to stay in a place of sorrow not only robs you of the happiness around you, it robs others of the happiness that is within you.
These past several months/years I have repeatedly robbed myself and you of so much positive. For that I am sorry. For that I am trying. For that I will succeed in getting through this.
Life is far too short to dwell on the negative. I choose to no longer give into it. I choose better for myself, but more importantly, I choose better for you guys.
All my love
-Mama
