Woke up with the notion today that despite all my best efforts, I have become a crazy person. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake the feeling that there is something wrong with me. So armed with a laptop, a stomach full of hopeless, angry feelings, and the intention to get to the bottom of my animosity towards life, here I am. I don't think when I turned on my laptop that my intention was to begin a blog. However, after doing some research on PMDD and discovering the eerily, similar symptoms I experience for 8-10 days every month, I've decided this would be better therapy then taking medication. Since I haven't actually been to the doctor, and been officially diagnosed, I can't say that this is a disorder I suffer from, but rather something I can relate to.
I know the feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion all to well. As a teenager, I was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. This led to an addiction to prescription pills, and spiraled into several other problems as well. I kicked the habit at age 16, when I found out I was expecting my son. Now a mother of four (three of my own, and one beautiful step-daughter), I have battled baby blues and even a full blown case of postpartum. Being that my youngest daughter is now 14 months old though, I have stopped considering the feelings that I get every month to be in any way related to her birth, and am now desperate to find a solution to my problem. A problem which consists of more than just anxiety and mood swings. During really bad days, I can't find the energy or even the desire to get anything done. I become very short-tempered with everyone around me, and turn into a person even I don't recognize. My fiancee jokes about how much hostility can come out of a person as tiny as I am (5'1, 109lbs). But even on normal days, I can't find the humor in it. It use to be easy to deal with this overflow of emotions, as I'll call it. I would simply grab my mat, find a quiet corner, and hammer it all out through the power of the Primary Series. However, I now can't find solace even within my practice, and my mat sits collecting dust. Then there's the idea of taking a pill every day. But, this gives me flashbacks to younger days, and I know that this is not my answer either. So, in my mind, I'm left with this option, and this will be the one that I explore. I will write through the pain, the confusion ... the hopelessness. I will have faith that through this "therapy" and the power of prayer, I will get through these feelings and I will find beauty within the crazy.
